After a seven week hiatus from life to try and get my medication stabilized, this past week I returned to work.
My workplace is highly dysfunctional to begin with. The masterminds commonly known as, ‘The Leadership,’ decided three reorganizations were in order, so one colleague wound up having three different managers in a 30 day period. This is one example of what I walked back into.
Trying to ramp up once again, so far, has not been as hard as I imagined. Well, nothing is really ever as hard as I imagine it to be while in a hypomanic anxiety attack 🙂 In a way I am thankful things are more hosed than when I left. It’s given me the needed buffer to stay off everyone’s radar during these first, critical days of returning to the madness.
Not everything about going back to work was negative. I again feel as though I have a purpose for getting out of bed in the morning and a reason to keep on the brave face. Sometimes, absolutely not being in a position that allows one to have that mini-breakdown is a good thing. And, mixing with people who respect you for your intelligence and your accomplishments, people who have no clue about bipolarity or med, is very good for the self-esteem.
Trying to rejoin society, however, has proven a bit more difficult. Going to work is one matter. There is a schedule and a set of expectations to fill. It’s very rote and although my job is demanding, I know what to expect. My personal life is another matter. It was impossible for me to go to a class last Saturday because the idea of sitting next to someone I didn’t know very well was literally, physically painful. I forced myself to go to a dinner party where I knew almost every one and that proved much less stressful (after 2 glasses of wine). But, shopping in a crowded supermarket or even the thought of entering a crowded café still fills me with terror. Social anxiety is one of the most annoying parts of being manic-depressive.
Will every day be easy? No. Absolutely not. My job and the stress that goes with it is a large reason why my mental health is in this state. However, this first week back was very encouraging. I hope this coming week proves the same.